| SPECIAL EDITION BLOG:
*gasp* No poem. o.O So I've decided I'm tired of titling my blogs with quotes from songs (if you haven't noticed, ~90.2% of them are). I'm going for a more cynical and humorous approach that will be creative and twisted word play. I'm a poet, so expletive deleted you, I can do it--I'm allowed to be pretentious. Also, for reasons unknown to me, my browser is getting blocks of blog code confused and isn't giving my text the right colors, so if you can't read my older blogs, *gasp* highlight them. By the way, in case you didn't know, I like eating hot dogs. Stop noting gross they are; I know what they are made of. I'm tired of being shitted on. I'm tired of people taking advantage of the fact that I'm a softy. From now on, you have to earn my affection. Get used to it. I'm going to grow increasingly snarky. If I'm not being tactful, you deserved it. I'm not afraid of anything short of failing myself. Since "myself" is a complicated notion, let me put it this way: people I care about are an extension of me. You have to be pretty expletive deleted special to receive attention from me. ACKnowledgements (in no particular order, I'm random): I hate people and though Nadialia seems to think she can reverse this thinking, she's going to fail. I wonder how strong her convictions are, 'cuz I'm willing to humor her if she can take a little skepticism. I like humoring her. She humored me, she goddamned fucking deserves it. I love her, and that won't change either. I don't know why I love her, but I think everyone has to have a guilty pleasure. She's pleasure of guilt, whether she likes it or not. I get the feeling I'll start seeing a lot of her, as she's moving into the building next to mine. She annoys the shit out of me, but I kinda like that. In a sense, introversion is bad, but lindz almost makes me stand firm beside it. Making friends who won't give you the chance you want is a dangerous thing. Don't get me wrong, I love her. I will keep trying, because even if I get nothing out of it, I will know I haven't failed myself. I told her I'd give her the internet, and I stand by it. Even though I'm here, I'm trying to give her a piece of me. I know she won't mend my heart, but she's welcome to try anytime. I have great patience for people, and there's hope to be had, as it is human nature. She gives the standard "why am I deserving?" Why not? People with weak convictions are hypocrits, and I'm willing to tell them to their face now. Carla is a fucking hypocrit. What's crazy is she knew she was weak, and if given the right means, she'd crack. Well, she did. Is she happier for it? I hope so, I really do (I don't even mean it in a spiteful tone). I love her. Why? Because, like me, she's a poet. We shared each other with each other at one point. She means nothing, something, and everything to me. I want her to know that. She hurt me, but I liked it. And I don't blame her, I knew she would, she even warned me (though it was unnecessary). Speaking of hypocrits, there is an interesting trend in sympathy-seeking. I've offended a certain loved one in the process. However, Jen's not going to get my sympathy if she continues to start her stories with "I was drunk/high." There are consequences to playing with one's own mind, and she is reaping them. I don't judge her for it, and I don't hold it against her. Whether or not she asked for it, it happened and I hope to whatever deities are out there that she keeps being OK, because, despite offending her, I love her. I don't think she earned it by some cosmic rite, but she needs to grow some wit. So few offend me as much Melinda does, but it's OK, she's my sister. I kinda have to love her. But, I love her. She's allowed to be smart with me, I'll get her back somehow. In a sense, she's me, and a person can only be their own worst critic. Somehow she manages to afford silence from our parents' mouth, but I am witnessing my mother beginning to lose patience. She says horrid things to me about Melinda, and I'm starting to grow weary of it. I'll do anything for Melinda, and she knows it. Perhaps she'll abuse it, but I don't care, I'm still good for my word. Everyone needs a break sometimes. If there is an opinion I seek, or an approval I need, she's there in the back of my mind. I can't stand my mother, but no one else can either. Funny how life works that way. I don't know if it is because my mom is growing less tactful, or if it's because I'm now living in an environment without her, but I am realizing she is flawed. I am realizing I disagree with most everything she says. As a person, I have a hard time liking her, but unconditional love is tricky like that. I love her, regardless. I've seen it in Nadialia's eyes, my mother does have a strong hold on me. And I keep failing my oppose grapple checks. I'm hard to disappoint, I really am. I am disappointed in two people: Carla and Tammi. However, they only disappointed when they gave up. I wanted to keep trying and I was willing to sacrifice to make things work with Tammi, I really was. I kept forgetting that she was a child. I put more on her shoulders than I should have. I am not a bad person for it, but I've tried to fix that aspect of me. I love her, but I drove her away. Though it may be better that way, it hurt me more than she can know. I wish it didn't hurt. I hope her kid is a strong kid, he's going to need the strength bonus in this world. There's a figure who's been in and out for my life. Patrick is the voice of reason in my jumble of a life. He's level-headed and all there. What's screwy is that he's on way too many drugs (or used to be) for his head problems. I think he just identifies with actual intelligence. In his maturity, lies a sense of practical judgement. I'm weird, but he doesn't care; there are crazier people out there. I love him for it, he's my best friend, if I have such a thing. He's been there, whether when I'm up or I'm down. He told me that I'm a lucky son of a bitch if I'm only now letting life catch up to me. Steph is someone who represents the very essence of a free spirit. I like to say I have such, but I fear there may be a chain or two by which I abide. I can forget about it around her, so her presence is important to me. I'm don't withhold from her, because I know I'm important as well. I am very well at my best and worst with her. I love her, maybe no longer romantically, but I do. It's there, and I will continue to have her around me if I can drag her away from Scott for two seconds. I criticize him simply out of jealousy, not for affection, but for attention alone. Plus, he's just a moron, lol. Aaand now it's like fuckin' 6:40AM and my head hurts. I'd be writing about more people I love, but my head hurts now and all this contemplating life is depressing me. I suggest eating green beans with some margarine, the extra flavor doesn't hurt. There will probably be a part two to go with this, just for completeness points. That's a hell of a thing to learn in school: finish it and we'll reward you. 
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